Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
