The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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