It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
