I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
