She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life