if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
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Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
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I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...