Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
