I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
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He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
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In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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