well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Randomize
