Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
