I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
