i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
