I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
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