it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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