i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Randomize
