my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
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after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
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Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
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