brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Randomize
