Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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