tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
