Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
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