I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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