we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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