You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
