i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
