I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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