Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Randomize
