Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
