Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
