I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
