it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
