I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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