I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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