Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Randomize
