it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
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No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
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