when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
