about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Houston, we have a squirter
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
