upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
