Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
