Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
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