Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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