Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Shame - the story of my life.
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