I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
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