Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
