S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
