I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
