just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
