i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
