They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
