My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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