We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
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