Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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