wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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