the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
