dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
how drunk are you?
Several
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
