I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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