I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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