Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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