Betty ford says i'm here all night
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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