I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
